And the funeral? Who will arrange that?
I know that not everyone will applaud our topic today. But it is a must, especially when you move a border or two or three. And the parents/elderly stay at home. My aim with this article is to get you thinking. Take what is useful, throw out what is not.
written by: andi – Continent Surfer
Arranging a funeral is always stressful – emotionally, financially, even physically. Even if you live in the same town. Or at least within a few hours’ drive. But what if, instead of a few hours, it’s half a day each way? Or even more? Or maybe flying is the only way to cover the distance?
Is (was) a funeral part of the plan to move abroad?
Raise your hand if you have thought about planning the move, discussed it with the people involved and agreed on how the funeral will be arranged. Because we move like birds, but parents usually stay. Somehow, in the euphoria of the moment, it is easy to overlook this point. Oh, we come home often. But they are so healthy. Come on, we’re not far away. It’s only a few hours’ flight… you can even take the bus home…
There’s no way around it, you have to plan. Yes, the funeral also.
I know this is a subject that very few people dare to face. Often not even old people. But it’s a painful reality of life. But there are the elderly and the not-so-elderly in the family who will eventually get the “news”. 1-2-3 days-weeks-months to go. Unless the other news comes and there is no more time.
And then we sit there a continent or two away and start counting frantically. Holidays, travel times, costs… But how much easier it would be if we had a plan. Pre-arranged, agreed by all. What happens, who does what, when, how…
Life will get in the way anyway.
Planning or no planning, you can say that life will come along and bite you in the ass. Yes, that’s true. But it doesn’t matter if you start from scratch when you hang up the phone after hearing the devastating news, or if you have a plan that can be modified.
Remember, one of these things can tip you over the edge emotionally. And that’s when a significant part of your logic and planning ability goes down the drain. So it doesn’t matter if you have a starting point or not.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep…
Because you’re only going to screw yourself up first. And maybe a lot of other people. Although the guilt will – unnecessarily, but there’s a good chance – be all over you. “I’ll go home anyway,” you swear, and then life’s slaps may come in a way that’s impractical. Or you may find yourself caught between the very, very bad and the much, much worse. For example, a choice between your own family (partner + children) and your parents. Or one or the other…
Running out of holiday vs. organising a funeral… Do you use your emergency savings / take out a loan to go home for the funeral…? There are many different problems that can arise. You can’t always do everything right.
Let’s have a clean slate…
Within the extended family, decide who will do what in what situation. Who will look after them if they fall ill. Who can help financially if needed. And who can organise the funeral! Who will come and who will not. Or expected. Because he might not be able to come. To be there, you have to assess whether it is financially feasible and whether it is in the family’s life for one of the parents to disappear for a day or two, or even a week.
Would you even be available?
Think about it: the phone is ringing…1 month to go. Think about how far away you are. How long it will take to get there. How do you know how long you’ll be there? Will you have to stay? Can you come back and leave alive? Flight ticket? Return ticket?What about your family? What about your job?
I wouldn’t have made it. The doctors were wrong. It was two days. I knew I wouldn’t make it. He knew. The others knew. We sorted it out and talked it through. Long before. We finally had time to prepare. Before, when we were packing and moving, the question hadn’t even occurred to us. Will you have time?
And you attending the funeral?
Suppose the phone call came and you went. You were there for a week or two. But you had to go back to your family in the distance. When he was still alive. Or he was no longer alive, but the funeral is where you have to wait for weeks.
So, you’re going back for the funeral? Freedom, leaving family behind, costs….
Be realistic
Sounds cruel, I know. Try to keep it real. What fits and what doesn’t? When is it more important to be there? Who cares if you’re there? Who else can help those left behind? Where is that plan?
When it takes 2-3 or even nearly 4 days to get there and back, it’s understandable if you don’t go. And it is also available if you do go. In fact, it’s understandable that you don’t go, even if you only live “next door”. There are no right answers for everyone. There are individual situations. You have to plan for them. And then plan again. And then plan again.
That’s why YOU have to plan. Not for someone else.
Check it out – the list is far from complete
- Funeral directors / services in your city / area. Which one does what and for how much. As you will also need to arrange a death certificate for someone.
- Cemeteries, expected waiting times, funeral costs. Taking into account specific requests (cremation, urn burial, scattering?).
- In which countries – including transit countries if necessary – how long the passport must be valid before you can travel.
- Are there any restrictions on your visa (if you live in a country) that may prevent you from being returned.
- How far in advance do you need to make an appointment at the embassy if your passport is about to expire, how long to get a new one, and how long to get a new one? And how much does it all cost.
Do you need support?
Andrea holds a degree in economics and has over 20 years experience working as an international expert on European Union projects. In addition, she has had the opportunity to learn from the world’s most renowned teachers in various methodologies related to trauma resolution and grief recovery processes. She was ranked 4th on the Yahoo Top 10 Love Coaches list in 2021 and has been invited as an expert guest to several national and international online summits, as well as nearly 30 international podcasts.
She helps women, men and couples process old pain, trauma and loss so they can live happier, more loving, freer and more abundant lives. She uses effective methods to deepen intimacy and sexuality, whether alone or in a relationship.
Did you know?
Strong families communicate well about both good and bad things. They celebrate together when times are good and talk about problems when times are tough. This creates a safe place for children to share difficult feelings like embarrassment, confusion or shame. And it strengthens family members’ relationships with each other.
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Source(s):
Original article: És a temetés? Azt ki intézi? Translated by: BOGI – CONTINENT SURFER
Example of travel restrictions included in a visa
Lost residency visa – due to travel restriction
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